2010

Just hours away from the new year. I don't know where the last decade has gone. It feels like it was just Y2K. The year 2009 has been quite the year for me. I would say it has been the best year of my life and the worst year of my life all at the same time, with stuff wrapped up somewhere in between. I had my first child, and found a love like no other. I absolutely adore him and love being a mother. I feel like I am finally in the role that I've been waiting my whole life for. My husband has been deployed for about half of this year. It has been difficult for so many different reasons, but I have learned that I am stronger than I thought. I have graduated from college and earned my teaching license. I have learned a lot about myself this year and others. I have deepened my faith like never before. I am excited to see what 2010 will bring and all of the experiences and life lessons that will become memories in my life.

Oh, and if you wondering my plans to bring in the new year...I will hopefully be sleeping.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Every night has gotten a little better since introducing the bassinet to Nathan. Last night was wonderful and if we can repeat it every night I would be extremely happy. He went to bed at 11pm and didn't wake up until 3am. I rolled over and looked at the clock and panicked. I jumped out of bed to check on him. I saw his back moving and could hear him breathing so I went back to bed but then I started doubting myself. So I got back up and turned on the night light and checked again. He woke up shortly thereafter, probably from me bothering him. After his feeding he went back to bed at 4am and slept until a little after 7:30am. It was wonderful! I almost don't know what to do with this much sleep. This is the good.

The dogs are still annoying. This is the bad.

The night before last Nate had the biggest poop blow out I have ever seen. He was sitting on my lap and he started pooping. I usually wait for him to get it all out before I change him so I just told him to let me know when he was done. Next thing I know I looked down and there was a puddle of poo in my lap. He had completely soaked through his diaper, sleeper, and blanket. It was disgusting. I took him straight upstairs to take a bath. The worst part was that he was in a sleeper gown so I had to pull the thing over his head. Let's just say that poop was everywhere. This, obviously, is the ugly.

In His Own Bed

I ordered the angelcare monitor, which detects motion, to put in Nathan's bassinet. Since he won't sleep on his back, it's the only way I figured I could have him sleep in his bed and not on me. This allows me to put him on his belly to sleep and not have to worry about SIDS, since the monitor detects breathing and will alarm if there's no movement for 20 seconds. The first night we tried it out was Wednesday. It was a horrible night! He would only sleep for an hour at a time. Last night went a little better with him sleeping in 2 hour stretches. I think he just needs to get used to sleeping in his bed and not with me. Although it is extremely difficult to keep putting him back in that bed when I know I could get a good amount of sleep if he just stayed with me. But I know this way is better for him and for me. I don't really get good sleep when he's with me and he is safer when he's in his own bed. So we'll just keep at it and eventually I think it will get better. It is hard to go backwards and I wish I had the monitor from the time he was born, but I guess that's the way it goes.

My grandma flew in from Arizona on Wednesday. She has been an enormous help, even if she may not realize it. I'm actually eating meals! That in itself is a big accomplishment around here. And if for no other reason, it is nice to have the company and someone in the house to talk to. It is really good to see her. I haven't seen her since my wedding, which was 2 1/2 years ago. She's going to stay with me a month so it will be nice to have her here through the holidays as well.

The dogs, well, the dogs are on my last nerve. Yesterday they escaped from the yard so I had to go fix the fence. They bark and wake the baby. I love them, but they are definitely testing my patience. I just need to get through these first few months. I know right now is going to be difficult with everything, and they're not helping the situation, but I try to stay hopeful that it will all be better soon.

It is definitely harder not having Michael home. In the short amount of time that he was home, I got used to him being here. It has been difficult to talk on the webcam with his schedule and now that I have Nate. So we've been relying on emails to keep in touch, which isn't the same, but I guess I can't complain. It could be worse. I am looking forward to the day he comes home for good, that's for sure.

Exhausted but Okay

I now have Nate in my lap, but the let the record show he just slept in the play yard for 20 minutes! Small victories. So yes, he currently will only sleep with me, or some morning naps in his swing. Although I don't usually try to even put him in his swing at night. I'm so tired it's just easier to stay put. I know, bad mommy. But right now sleep is precious and if I'm doing something wrong, then so be it. I'm doing this all by myself, which so far seems to be the biggest struggle. It's hard to never get a break, no one to come home from work in the evening to help me. So if I don't do things according to the book, well that's okay by me for now. We're just working on getting through each day. Although I have to say, as exhausted as I am, I just look down at his precious little face and it makes it all worth it. And while it's hard when he has to be held all the time, I couldn't pick a better person to snuggle up with all the time. I do have plans to eventually get him to sleep in his bassinet, but just in time. Maybe after my Grandma comes to stay with me and I have a little help then I will attempt those things that risk further sleep loss.

He took an extremely long nap this afternoon, and several failed attempts at waking him, he's now up. Exactly what I was afraid of. I've been working on switching his schedule and the last few nights have been successful. He used to be awake from 11pm to 1am and I got him used to being up from 9pm-11pm. Then after that it's up every 2 hours through the night. Well, it's almost 11pm now and he's up. Looks like we're in for a long night.

He had a doctor appointment this week. He's now up to 9lbs 10oz. Such a good little eater. Everything else was good-the doctor said he looked nice and healthy.

So while we're tired, we're doing okay. Honestly, the biggest struggle is not taking care of him by myself, but the lack of company. Michael was only home for 2 weeks, but in those short 2 weeks, I got really used to having someone in the house again. I guess it's just getting used to his absence again and getting into a routine with Nate. Each day at a time.

Hypothermia

Nathan's cord fell off on Saturday so I decided to give him a bath on Sunday morning. I was so excited! He did pretty good and loved it when I poured warm water on him. But that was about the only thing he liked. Otherwise he was screaming. He pooped twice and peed once, requiring a rewashing. It was a disaster and probably took three times longer than it should have. By the time we were done he was shivering and his feet were purple. I felt horrible! I swaddled him up and held him until he calmed down and was nice and warm again. I feel better after talking to other mommies that this has happened to as well. Hopefully the next bath will go a lot better.

He's two weeks old today. Last night was a long night. The night before was wonderful and deceiving. He usually is up from 11pm to 1am every night, wide awake. The night before last he switched it to 9pm-11pm and slept for almost 4 hours at a time. Well, this was short lived. Last night he was up every two hours, if not sooner, and was fussy. I'm exhausted today and I have a headache. I should be sleeping but of course I can't always sleep when he does.

He has a doctor appointment tomorrow. I'm anxious to see how much he weighs now. When we took him in after 5 days he was almost back up to his original weight. Jaime brought the boys up yesterday and now Nate seems so small next to Landon. It will be neat to watch them grow up together.

I woke up this morning to find a light dusting of snow on the grass. It's gone now but was the first sign of winter we've had. The temperatures are definitely getting colder. I can handle the cold, I just don't know if I am ready for the snow. Hopefully this will be a mild year otherwise we might end up getting snowed in. I can't imagine how I'm going to shovel any snow.

Nathan Michael Riker

I'm finally going to get a minute to update this blog! Hopefully I'll be able to finish it all in one sitting. Michael ran up the to store and Nathan is sleeping. Yes, my little baby Nate is here. Let me start from the beginning...

We got to the hospital and checked in on Monday at 7:30am. They gave me the pitocin at 8:30am, and labor had officially began. Jaime came up that morning and brought the dogs to the kennel and then headed up to the hospital. Labor seemed to progress slowly, and I was becoming discouraged each time I was checked and only changed by a centimeter, if that. We spent the morning watching tv and scrapbooking. Sometime in the afternoon the doctor broke my water and I was given my epidural. After he broke my water the contractions really kicked up and I was ready for my epidural. I was checked again in the afternoon and was only to 4.5cm. The doctor said I had several more hours ahead and so I didn't think I would have him until late evening. I was getting a little worried that things weren't going to progress like they should. Although it wasn't too much later and I started getting the shakes. I didn't feel cold but they put warm blankets on me, which felt nice and the extra weight was good. The nurse said I could be shaking from the increase in hormones. My body must have been shooting out the hormones because I was shaking and a couple hours of that I started feeling this pressure, like I needed to go to the bathroom. It was different than the regular contractions that felt like menstrual cramps in my lower abdomen. I felt the need to push. Michael called the nurse in and she checked me and said, are you ready to have a baby? I couldn't believe it. Hours had gone by with not much result and then in the last couple of hours I went from 4.5cm to 9.5cm. I couldn't believe it was actually happening. I pushed for 45 minutes and then heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my entire life, the sound of my son crying. I still get emotional thinking about the moment I held him for the first time. Michael cut the cord and gave him his first bath. All I could think is he is here, finally, and the most precious baby I have ever seen. He weighed 8lbs 6oz and was 21" long.

He is now almost a week old. Things are falling into place more each day. We had some difficulties with his eating at first, but that has smoothed out. He sleeps and eats most of the time. I feel like a milking machine. And as exhausted as I am right now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love him to pieces, could stare at him forever, and couldn't imagine not having him. Everyone is right, having a child changes everything, but is completely worth it.

**Note-I didn't get this finished in one sitting...welcome to parenthood, huh!?!

39 Weeks

Hopefully my last post about pregnancy! I went to the doctor today. I little more weight gain but under the usual 2lbs so I don't care. At this point, I really don't care about much except having this baby. The doctor checked me and I'm at 1.5cm, so not really much of a change from last week, but I am 75% effaced. She stripped my membranes to hopefully "encourage" labor, so we'll see if that helps. Since it's raining we're going to do some window shopping today and hopefully all the walking around will really help too. If not, then we are scheduled for an induction on Monday, the original due date.

Michael's Home!

I got the call this morning; he had arrived in Atlanta and would be at the Indianapolis Airport at noon. I was beyond excited and headed up there early and still missed his arrival! His flight got in early and so while I was waiting for him where the passengers get off the plane, he was waiting at the baggage claim. And we both had the same picture in our minds of what it was going to be like, running to greet each other. Oh well. It's good to have him home and I now feel a huge sense of relief that he will definitely be home for the baby's birth. He's sleeping now, his schedule is extremely off from being half-way around the world and not getting a whole lot of sleep the last few days, but hopefully he will catch up on all that sleep tonight. We don't have much planned, which is good as two weeks won't be long enough as it is. We're just going to relax and enjoy each other's company and anticipate Nathan's arrival. But he's safe at home and happy!

Trying To Be Patient

Michael should be coming home on leave in the next few days. The days have already seemed long and now I know they're going to seem extremely long until that day arrives. I'm super excited to see him and I just can't believe that the time is here. It feels like forever I've been saying only this much longer (weeks, months) until you get home. Now it's just days away. Which brings on the next thought, the baby. I tell Nate everyday just hang in there a little bit longer. Just wait until daddy comes home. It's is surreal to think that there's really only a little over a week at most until he is born. I'm so anxious to see both of them! I pretty much have everything ready, but I think I want to clean the house one more time so it's really clean. And I might have to make a stop at Hobby Lobby this weekend to grab some craft stuff to keep my mind focused on something else until Michael gets home. The worst part is not knowing when I will get to see either one of them. I don't have details on any of Michael's flight information and well, Nathan sure isn't telling me anything!

38 Weeks

Since Nathan is ready to come out there is really no new developments this week. Just growing a bit each day. They say 6.8lbs and just over 19 1/2 inches long. I guess we'll be finding out soon enough how big he really is.

The power went out shortly after I got to the doctor's office. They had flashlights set up everywhere--they were very prepared! And unfortunately the scale is battery operated so they could still weigh me--yay! Which my weight was about the only thing that changed from last week. Another 2 pounds! I can't believe it! So this means I'm officially over the 190 mark, which I never thought I would hit at the beginning, but now it looks like not only am I going to hit it, but probably pass it up by next week. I've been okay with my weight gain up to this point and it's a good thing there's only a couple weeks left or it might really depress me. So my weight went up but I'm still at 1cm and not effaced at all. I have my next appointment on Monday and we'll see where I'm at at that time and talk about induction. Crazy how real this is all getting.

I was up last night again with horrendous heartburn. The pain was so bad it felt like it was going straight through my body to my back and into the bed. Must have been the darn broccoli at dinner! That's all I can think of. And I guess taking it moderately easy is working, just until Michael comes home in about a week. Then I'm going to do whatever it takes to bring labor on. Although the closer to the end it gets, the more I'm relishing the pregnancy. Weird, right? I just want to remember his little movements and hiccups and stuff. We've been so close for so long it's going to be weird not to have him inside me anymore and to feel all his little movements. Yes, I must be going crazy---can't wait to have him and already missing him before he's born!

A Day at the Spa

Well, a couple hours actually, but it was a wonderful couple of hours. Jaime received an email from a spa in Madison for this amazing deal for the first 15 callers. She had told me about it on Saturday when they came up and so we called and they had 3 spots left. It included a facial, full body massage, and a hand & foot paraffin dip, all for $50 (originally over $200!). We thought it might be some kind of gimmick, but it wasn't. I've never had a facial before, so that was neat. The guy liked to talk, but that was okay. I've never had a paraffin dip either. The wax was so hot! But it left my hands and feet pretty soft. And the body massage was exactly what I needed. She didn't talk at all, which I loved (have you ever gone for a massage and had the person talk the whole time, not relaxing at all), and she was really good about the big belly. I laid on my sides and then when I was on my back she elevated the back and put a pillow under my knees. It was all very wonderful and relaxing. Now Jaime is getting her turn today--a very much needed break for her.

37 Weeks

Well, today I am officially considered full-term. So I could have this little guy and he would be all ready to enter the world. He's approximately 6 1/3 lbs. and around 19 inches long. And from here on out the only thing that will be changing will be his size. All developing is done! It's weird to think that one minute he's on the inside, making movements that from the outside are very alien-like, and the next minute he will be this little baby. And even though he's all developed, it's my plan to keep him in there until Michael gets home in a couple of weeks. Let's just hope Nate's on the same page.

My doctor's appointment went well. I gained another 4lbs, which is probably much more than I should be gaining at this point (I think it's at most a pound a week, so 4lbs in 2 weeks doubles that, but oh well). Everything else was good-blood pressure, measurement, heartbeat, etc. I'm dilated to 1cm so just a bit up from 2 weeks ago. I'm happy about that because I don't want to progress too quickly and have to worry about having this baby before Michael gets home. And while it is still a concern of mine, I feel a lot better. Now it will be not having this baby too late either! I talked about inducing with the doctor today. A lot of it will be based on my body and where I'm at. The concern is with a first pregnancy that inducing before my body is ready doubles the chance for a c-section. He would like me to be at least 50% effaced and dilated to 3cm before he induces me, but is willing to induce me at 40 1/2 weeks if I don't go into labor before then. So as soon as Michael gets home, I see a lot of long walks happening, even if the doctor says that doesn't work. Just ask my sister.

Other than that, I'm feeling pretty good. Since Nate has dropped the foot in the ribs is much less of an issue. I'm surprised at the strength of his movements though. When he really gets going I think he could knock the book or plate (or whatever else might be resting on my belly) right off. It's amazing to feel and see. I'm extremely tired and enjoy my afternoon naps almost daily. This might have something to do with my sleep, or lack thereof, at night. But I'm lucky that I can take those naps. I've been feeling a lot of anxiety over the birth and becoming a mother. I ask Jaime a million questions and I just hope that everything will fall into place when he arrives. I'm becoming more terrified of the birth, the anticipation and the unknown are probably what's making it even worse. But I know I will get through it and I am so excited for the reward I will get at the end of all of this. I cannot wait to meet my baby Nate.

Trick O' Treat

The Toppes came up on Saturday. They were in the area for their family pictures and came over afterwards so that Lucas could go trick or treating in the neighborhood. He dressed up as a ninja and it was so cute to watch him go to the houses. He was so excited about getting candy and was so happy when one lady commented how nice his costume was. We probably hit less than a dozen houses but he was ready and that was good amount for a 3 year old. We came back to the house to look at all the candy he got, drink some hot cocoa, and watch a Halloween tv special. I'm so glad they came up so I could go trick or treating with them. These are the activities I can't wait to do with my own kids. It will be such a fun part of parenting. And I haven't been in a really fall festive mood with Michael gone (I didn't even carve a pumpkin which means no seeds for me), but I just wasn't into it. I can always count on little Lucas to lift my spirits. And maybe trick or treating will be a new tradition for our families.

36 Weeks

Baby Nate is now the size of a crenshaw melon, whatever that is. I think they've run out of fruit big enough to compare to him. He's approximately 6lbs and 18 1/2 inches long. He's shedding the downy hair that covers most of his body and also the waxy layer that has protected his skin from the amniotic fluid.

I think all this means is that it's getting close, really close. I feel full, very full, like there's no more room for him and I don't know how he's going to grow anymore, but I guess he'll just keep stretching me out and finding a way. Some days he's very active and others he's not. I'm enjoying watching my belly just roll around and bump up with all the movements. He's definitely putting more pressure on my bladder. Sometimes he takes little jabs and it almost hurts a little. But it's better than wetting my pants all the time, which doesn't seem to a problem yet. Just the constant going that is.

I just got home from my hospital tour, so now all the paperwork is done. The rooms are really nice. I think they were nice before, but they changed them since the flood. Some of the hospital rules are not my favorite. Since it is cold/flu season their visitor rules have changed. Now there can only be 2 visitors in the room at one time-this includes the father, so really it's only one visitor at a time! And no one under the age of 18 is allowed up there at all. I guess it's all in the best interest of the baby, but it complicates things some. Especially since we won't be having any visitors at the house after we come home since it will just be time for us until Michael has to go back overseas again.

Up All Night

The last few days I have been sleeping through the night. Well, what I consider to be through the night anyway. I can't remember the last time I've fallen asleep and didn't wake up until morning. It seems as though I have to wake up just to roll over, that it's such a process. But last week some nights I've been waking up and then staying up. I'll get up for a couple of hours and then go back to bed. I keep joking that it's my body's way of getting me ready for baby. Well, half joking. I'm probably right.

I woke up last night around 1am with a serious case of heart burn. I couldn't sleep so I downed a couple of tums and started reading a book. Well, before I knew it, it was after 4am and I was finishing up the book. So I might be taking a little nap today. The heartburn just started kicking in again and I'm wondering if any food is safe today. I guess we will find out. I have no big plans for the weekend, just to get more stuff on my to-do list done and relax around the house. It's still gloomy and rainy and so it will probably be a perfect weekend just to sit in and relax.

35 Weeks

Baby Nate is 5 1/4lbs. and 18 inches long. He's a honeydew melon this week! His kidneys are fully developed and his liver can even process some of the waste products. Most of his basic physical development is complete and he's now just putting on the weight.

I had another doctor's appointment today. This one went much better than the last one and I think I'll be requesting this same doctor for the remaining weeks of my pregnancy. I gained another couple of pounds, which is fine, because it's less than the 4 I gained last time. My blood pressure was fine and I'm measuring at 35 cm. I got the strep B test today, which I was completely unaware that I would be getting. All I can say is that I'm glad I shaved my legs! The doctor decided to go ahead and check me after he was done swabbing me for the test. I'm just under 1cm dilated and "still thick" as he put it, so I'm not effaced at all. I told him the last few days Nathan has been quite as active. If I don't feel him for awhile I'll really start paying attention and I'll feel him but his movements haven't been as strong. He said that he's getting bigger and he's sleeping more now so I might not feel him as strong but I should still be feeling him 4 times an hour when I'm really paying attention. When I told him I didn't think I felt him that often he decided to do a non-stress test. I think we both thought it would be fine but I'm glad he decided to do it so it would put my mind at ease. I knew there was a reason I liked this doctor! The nurse strapped me up to the monitors and probably about five minutes later I became really hot and sweaty and felt short of breath, like I was going to pass out. I didn't want to move because of the monitors but I felt like I really needed to sit up. She came in then and noticed I wasn't doing well. She had me sit up and gave me some sprite. I felt better soon after I sat up so we resumed the test on my side, and that went much better. She said some women just can't be on their backs like that. I think he was cutting something off. The doctor came in and checked the results and it all looked good, which I figured it would. Usually they would start having me come in weekly but since I'm at the beginning of 35 weeks now, I won't go back for a couple of weeks and then I will start going weekly. I was a little disappointed with that because now that I'm starting to dilate, I would like to get checked every week and waiting two weeks will be hard to do. He also said that if I go into labor this week that they will try to stop it but any time after next week they let it go. He also said he was head down, and I had thought that he felt different last week, so I must have been right, he must have dropped, at least some. That little foot doesn't seem to be digging into my ribs quite as badly anymore (he still makes some jabs at it but doesn't really dig it in and keep it there). So that pain is better. I've been getting up in the middle of the night/early morning unable to sleep the last few nights. I'll get up at 3am wide awake and so I'll just get up and do things around the house or play around on the computer. I keep wondering if it's my body's way of getting me ready for all those sleepless nights.

Jaime and Landon came up today and so after my doctor's appointment we had lunch at Red Lobster and then went shopping for the rest of the baby stuff that I need. And even though I thought that all the stuff cost much more than I had anticipated, I was so excited to get all of it and bring it home. Jaime and I looked through everything I got at the shower and today again when we got home. I'm so excited to get it all ready and put everything in it's place.

So now that I have basically everything I need for Nathan when he comes home and I'm almost a centimeter dilated, it's making this all much more real. It's weird because while I know that I'm pregnant and there's this baby growing inside me, just knowing that it really won't be long now and I will have this little baby, just really makes it real. I set the bassinet up last night and I just stared at, picturing little baby Nate in there. I'm so excited and in such super baby mode, and as much as I want to meet him and not be pregnant anymore, I would like to still go to full term and have Michael home for his birth. So let's hope he stays in there 5 more weeks.

My Shower

My shower, I still can't believe it was my shower, that I'm the one having this baby. It's surreal. The shower was amazing. Jaime did a wonderful job and I'm going to try to not forget any of the details...she thought of the cutest things.

We had the shower at the Residence Inn here in Columbus in the (if you can believe it) Atterbury Room. Mary Jo came up with Jaime and Landon to help out with the food and to get the room ready. The theme was Noah's Ark--there were plates, napkins, balloons. The cake was awesome. It was decorated to look like water/shore and Jaime got this Noah's Ark toy with little animals. She put the ark behind the cake and the animals around the cake with a few on top. The ark also doubled as a holder for these cute little animal paper cut-outs that she had everyone write words of advice on. She had even sent them out to family and friends ahead of time. This was all a surprise to me. There were cute little decorations-- a big bottle for the table and a streamer made of paper rattles. It was all just so cute. The party favors were so neat. They were chocolate bars but instead of the original wrapping she had special wrappers made. There was a little picture of Noah's Ark and then next to it says: two by two or one by one, babies can be so much fun! Beckie and Michael welcome baby Nate. The back of the bar has little things like ingredients-a little of mom and dad and the sugar content is sweet as can be. How great is that!?

As the guests arrived they got food (yummy meatballs, sandwiches, fruit, cheese ball and crackers, etc.) and started filling out a mad libs paper. After introductions and a couple of the mad libs were shared, we started with the games. We played an old wives tale game in which you had to guess whether the tale would predict a boy or girl. We played trivia and how you say baby around the world. There was also a game that had gestational times of these different animals. It was a lot of fun. After the games I opened the gifts while everyone played gift bingo (they had bingo cards with different types of gifts and if I opened that gift they crossed off a square). Everyone was really generous and I even received gifts from friends and family in different states that couldn't make it. It was so much fun to open the little baby gifts and see all the baby stuff, especially the little outfits. As if I wasn't anxious before!

I had a wonderful time and it was so good to see friends and family. The shower was the best shower ever and Jaime did a wonderful job. I hope I didn't forget anything. I want to remember every little detail--all those little things that she thought about that mean so much. I went through all the baby stuff again when I got home. I picture wrapping baby Nate up in the blankets or putting him in the little outfits. And while I'm still extremely nervous, I'm so excited for his arrival and to meet this little baby of mine.

34 Weeks

Nathan is now almost 5lbs and about 18 inches long. He's a cantaloupe this week! His fat layers are really filling in now, making him smoother and rounder. Other parts are continuing to mature, like his nervous system and his lungs.

Six weeks to go. Six weeks to go!?! Are you kidding me? Okay, so a month and a half a way and the nerves are starting to really kick in. I'm getting nervous about labor and the pain. I'm nervous about taking care of him. I know one way or another I'll get through labor and I know I'll be able to take care of him. Just the closer it gets I start coming up with more questions about this or that. I'm always asking Jaime things. I bought a couple books too--what to expect the first year, etc.

The last couple of days I've been feeling a little less uncomfortable than I have before. Maybe I'm getting used to it? There's a tender spot on my stomach that almost feels bruised from being beat up so much, but he doesn't seem to be hooking that foot under my rib cage quite as much (note: as much does not mean he has stopped doing this). He's still really active and strong. I friend came over last night and while we were visiting Nate decided to use my insides as a speeder ball to practice his punches. It was so hard my friend could see it through my shirt. Just incredible.

I'm also not sure exactly what Braxton Hicks feels like, but am starting to wonder if I experienced it today. My stomach would get really hard for a bit. It didn't hurt at all and I don't know how long it lasted because I never paid attention. Even if it wasn't, the fact that I could be experiencing it at this point is wild. Before I know I'm going to be a mommy and have this little baby boy. Can you believe it? Not me sometimes. Still feels like a dream. Funny thing-sometimes I wake up and check my belly to see if I'm still pregnant, as if this all has been a dream. I am so happy to be having this little boy.

Just Me and Lucas

I went down to Madison on Friday to visit with Jaime and Landon. He is changing so much just in the two weeks he's been alive. It's incredible. He's a good baby and doesn't cry much, just when his diaper is being changed and when he wants to be held, which is often, but man it's hard not to hold a newborn, isn't it?

Jeremy had drill this weekend and so I thought it would be good just take Lucas up to my house for a couple days so that Jaime wouldn't have both boys all by herself. Not that it's a complete break, but hopefully it helped. We had a wonderful time! I like just hanging out with Lucas. He's so funny and comes up with the darnedest things to say. And who couldn't love that little face?

On the ride home it was raining and he kept asking what that sound was, unaware that he was talking about the wipers. He asked if I was hitting animals in the road. He asked if I hit a raccoon all the way to a kangaroo. When I finally realized the "sound" was the wipers I told him. He replied, "Oh, you're not running over any animals! It's just the windshield wipers!" He's so funny. I really should write down all the funny things he says when it happens because I can't remember them later.

Saturday was jam packed. We woke up and had some breakfast and then it was non-stop from there. I took him up to Greenwood to watch Toy Story and Toy Story 2 double feature in 3D at the theater. I figured even if we didn't make it to the second movie it would be worth it. We did, well, about an hour or so into it and then he looked at me and said, "Beckie, let's go home now." He did really good in the theater though. He only kept his 3D glasses on during certain parts--like if he thought he could catch something, and then he'd say I got it! So we left midway through the second movie and then went to the store to pick a birthday present for a friend's little girl. He picked out the gift and when she opened it she said it was just what she had wanted. He did a good job. He did want to get her a gun but rejected that idea and took him down a couple aisles I thought would be more appropriate, but he picked the gift out. He had a good time at the birthday party-playing with the kids (even if he was the only boy), throwing around balloons, painting, and eating the cake. He didn't make it long after we left and fell asleep in the car within 10 minutes. After his nap we headed to Chuck E. Cheese's. This was his request in the morning while we were getting ready. He had asked to go to the place with pizza and games and coins. So that's what we did. He had so much fun. He made a friend and they ran around playing together. Chuck E. Cheese (the mouse character) came out to say hello to the kids. He loved that! He was a little hesitant at first, but it didn't take him long to warm up and give the mouse a high five. Then that's all he wanted; he kept looking for the mouse.

We had a really good time together. It was full and I'm tired now, but completely worth it. I know it's been a transition for him with the arrival of his little brother, Landon. And I know it will be again, in a way, when I have Nathan. I wanted to be able to have that special time with him before the baby comes, because after that me and Lucas time will be more limited.

Doctor Appointment--33 Weeks

I had another doctor appointment today. Usually I leave feeling pretty good, but not today. It's kind of put me in a sour mood all day. The baby is fine which is the most important thing; his heartbeat was good and my blood pressure is good. But I gained another four pounds in 2 weeks. The doctor said my overall weight gain was more than he had expected. It's not that I'm super concerned with my weight. I eat what I want and when I'm hungry I eat. I don't think I'm getting huge and I don't think my weight gain is affecting my health. But it's just something about someone making comments about the weight gain that doesn't set well. And then I opted not to get the flu shot. The lady at the front counter asked if I wanted it when I checked in. I asked if they were the preservative free kind and she said yes, so I said that I would get it. But when I doubled checked with the nurse before she gave it to me, so said it did have the preservatives in it so I decided against it. The doctor more or less lectured me about that decision. When I brought up the fact that pregnant women are not supposed to have too much fish containing mercury but then they want to give us a shot with mercury in it. He said the amount of mercury in the vaccine is so minute that it doesn't affect anything and that thousands of women get the vaccine. I've researched it on my own and feel that there are strong arguments on both sides. I just want to do what's right for the baby and I feel like there's so much weight on my shoulders with these decisions with no one able to give me a 100% answer. When I got home I talked to a friend that is an RN and she strongly recommends me getting the vaccine. I also talked to Michael about it and he said I should go ahead and get it. So now I'm thinking that I will go and get it and just pray that I'm making the right decisions. I've also been experiencing some sharp pains. It feels like I'm being stabbed on the inside. It's much different than any pain from the baby. I know when it's his kicks or he has a foot pushing against my ribs. I told the doctor and he felt my stomach and just said that it was probably muscles stretching and sometimes when his wife was pregnant the baby would push up on her side or ribs and cause her a lot of pain. Well, this pain is not baby, I just know it. It might be muscle pain but I just felt dismissed, as if I don't know anything. I don't know what I was expecting him to do, and it probably isn't anything major as I have no other symptoms of anything severe, but I just didn't feel good about the whole visit when I left. Maybe it's hormones, I don't know. And I know I'm only 33 weeks and I still have 7 more to go, but I think I'm ready to be done. Not sure if I'm ready for Nathan to be here yet and I know I want to keep him until 40 weeks, but I'm just getting tired. Tired of being tired, tired of the pain, and tired of doing this by myself.

And Then It Was Quiet Again

The week ended with a sleepover. There weren't as many girls here as I thought there would be--some had to work or some couldn't come over--which was fine. I ordered them pizzas and they sat in the living room watching movies like High School Musical. I've never seen it but the bits and pieces I did see made me laugh. It looks cute it's just funny how they break out in song even while playing a basketball game! But I survived my first teenage girl sleepover. The younger one had a band competition today so she was gone early but the older one and one of her friends hung around until the early afternoon.

This week has been go, go, go. With work and the dogs (did I tell you they got out of the fence again?) and watching the girls, the week just flew by and I was exhausted by the end. Well, now I've had a full night of sleep and the house is empty again. I can't say which I prefer. I enjoy the house and not having to worry about where the kids are or when/how they're coming home, but it's quiet again too. I can clean and do other things but it's still quiet. I can turn on the tv but it's still quiet. I guess weekends are just lonely and after as much went on this week it seems even more so now.

Just Another Day

I think the dogs and their shenanigans are becoming part of my daily routine. I've really picked up a lot of days subbing, working every day this week. I am exhausted! One, I'm definitely not used to working full time and two, my dogs wear me out! Let's see, so far this week I've come home to deal with a Mr. Benny who decided to roll around in the grass which was also the same location as a pile of poo. Bathing the dogs is become increasingly difficult the more pregnant I get. Needless to say I was not happy. He also decided to take the cushion that had blown off my swing and use it as a chew toy. I can sew it back up but I had to pick up little cotton pieces all over the yard. And then yesterday Sammy decided to go hunting for rabbits. I was on the computer and thought to myself, hmm, the dogs are awfully quiet. So I went out in the yard to check on them to find Sammy nose deep in rabbit. It was disgusting. I got the shovel out and threw the rabbit and its entrails over the fence and then I had to clean Sammy's beard off. They wear me out and my tolerance for them has been minimal lately. I love them dearly, but my goodness, just driving me a little nuts lately!

I've been subbing in a 2nd grade classroom the last couple of days. They are fascinated with my belly and baby and always asking questions about him. One little girl came up and told me that since I know I'm having a boy, I must have already had the jelly on my belly. And now the kids are playing baby at recess. They lie on the bench and pump their stomachs lightly until they "have a baby". Funny kids.

I've also been watching my friends teenagers while she is on vacation. They're not home much between practice and work. It's a whole different thing to parent teenagers. They're self sufficient. I'm constantly asking if they're hungry or need something, and I think they think I'm crazy. I'm realizing they will go get something out of the cupboard if they want to eat. So much different than little kids! The biggest thing is keeping track of schedules and worrying about them. I watch the clock constantly. But they're good girls and so it hasn't been too bad.

32 Weeks

Little baby Nate is now approximately 3.75lbs and 16.7 inches long. The update says that he's gaining about a half a pound of what should be my one pound gain each week. These updates. I have to laugh. My baby is probably not that size and I am definitely not just gaining one pound a week. I went to the doctor last week and everything is still good. I'm still measuring a couple weeks ahead with no change in due date. I think they are probably annoyed with me because I ask every time. Other than getting more uncomfortable, I haven't had much of a change either (if you don't look at all the weight I'm gaining!). The bigger he gets I think the more uncomfortable he gets and is digging into my ribs almost all the time. I try to push his little butt down or take deep breaths. Sometimes if I move positions or lie down that helps too. That and the back pain are horrible at times but those are really my only complaints right now. So it could be a lot worse--like the women I hear about that have morning sickness all of the way through or I could be on bed rest. So I try not to complain although it doesn't seem that way by reading this. This is just so I can remember everything he put me through so I never let him forget it later! :)

It's the start of flu season and they're recommending me to get the regular flu vaccine and the H1N1 vaccine. I'm not fond of vaccines period, and I especially don't want anything to affect the baby, but I really am not sure what the right thing to do is. Of course the doctor recommends it, but when I research it online the arguments are strong on either side. I am leaning more towards getting the regular flu vaccine, as long as I can get it without themerosal (it's a preservative put in the shots that contains mercury) and I'm still undecided about the other vaccine. It's just so new it scares me, even if they use "old" methods to make it. When I was at the office they were all out of vaccines so it took all the decision making away from me. I don't want to put horrible things into my body but it's hard for baby and mama to get the flu and I don't want to do anything that will put me into early labor. And on top of that, I am working in the schools with sickly children all the time. Any help or guidance is welcomed.

Landon Elijah Toppe

Is officially here! He was born yesterday, September 27th at 2:03pm. He weighs 7lbs 6.5oz and is 21" long. Jaime had called me in the morning, she had been having contractions since very early that morning, but nothing was regular so she thought it was false labor. Well, obviously it wasn't. Closer to noon she called and said I better head down that they were going to head to the hospital. I didn't know how long I would be down there and so I thought I would just drop the dogs off at their house and then head down from there. What a mistake! Jaime barely made it to the hospital before having him. There was no time for an epidural and in 3 pushes he was out. I was sad that I missed it and especially not to be there for Jaime going through all of that, but I am happy that both baby and mom are doing well. I am just so proud of her and if you knew her pain tolerance you would be too. He is a beautiful baby, looks just like his big brother. It will be interesting to watch him grow. Lucas was so tender with him, it was amazing to see. Just the look of awe on his face---there are no words to describe it. He is a proud big brother.

Benny is Home

Well, my life seems to be so dull right now that all I have to write about is that Benny is home from the doctor. He has been neutered. So far he doesn't seem too angry about it. Maybe he never knew he had them to begin with...I'm sure any man out there would disagree with me!

Other than that, I've been working here and there when I get jobs. It's not as often as I thought it would be by now. I've been working an average of 3 days a week, but even some of those days are only half days. I can always find something to do around the house, but finding the motivation is sometimes a problem. And lately, I've been reluctant to take a job because I think the moment I do, Jaime will go into labor. I'm super anxious for her to have him. I just can't wait to see him and hold the little baby. So hopefully it won't be long.

30 Weeks

3/4 of the way done!

Baby Nate is almost 16 inches long and weighs approximately 3 pounds, he's a head of cabbage. There's about a pint of amniotic fluid which will start decreasing the bigger he gets. His eyesight is continuing to develop, which he will end up having 20/400 when he is born (which is just a few inches from his face).

I read the books and my email updates and they all differ slightly on his size and weight at this week, of course, because all babies are different. I wonder how much different Nathan really is. I had a doctor's appointment last week. In addition to gaining more weight, my belly is now measuring two weeks ahead instead of just one like it has been. When the doctor came in and looked at the chart he commented that the baby must have had a little growth spurt. He remeasured my belly to make sure and then checked my ankles for swelling. Well, no water retention so baby must be getting big. They still don't want to change the due date and when I read about it on the Internet, everything I see says that it is more accurate to determine the due date early on in pregnancy, rather than later. So, now I wonder if this just means I'm going to have a huge baby! And when the books say he's 3lbs., all I can think is, hmm, what is he really?

Things have been going well. I've been feeling really good and enjoying all of his movements. Well, minus the rib checks he gives me. Some days I'm a little more tired than others but I'm not sure if that's due to boredom. The nerve pain in my buttocks is back in full force, and this time in both cheeks. Sometimes it's not too bad and others it's too much to even walk around. I can't believe I'm 3/4 of the way done. It felt like I was just writing my post saying I was 20 weeks and half way done. Ten more weeks and I'll be having him. I'm very anxious to have him and meet, as I probably say every time I write. I just think about it so often; what he will look like, what he'll be like. I go in the nursery and look at the little clothes we have for him and can't wait to put them on. Even the little diapers. Is he really going to be that small!?! Well, maybe he won't be. :) I've started thinking about all the other stuff to and sometimes I get nervous. Am I going to be able to do this? Will I know what to do and what he wants? Will I get through the delivery okay? Everyone says it will be fine, millions of women give birth and motherly instincts kick in, but I still get nervous. This will be the biggest, most important job I've ever done. I just want to do it right and do a good job, do the best I can.

28 weeks

In my third trimester!

Nathan is almost 15 inches long and about 2 1/4lbs, about the size of a chinese cabbage. He can blink his eyes and has little eyelashes. They say it is more of a reflex. He may also be able to see the light filtering in through my belly. His brain is developing millions of neurons. He's also adding more fat layers to his skinny little body.

I can't believe I'm in the 3rd trimester. While sometimes time doesn't seem to be going that quickly, I don't know where the first two trimesters went. I keep saying this is the good part of pregnancy and I'm not in a rush, but at the same time I'm still anxious about his arrival. I try to picture him and cannot wait to hold his tiny little body in my arms.

I have been feeling pretty good. I don't sleep through the night, but I am getting used to that. My back aches and my hips do too (usually during the night). I'm also getting nerve pain in my buttocks again, this time in the left cheek. But all of this is worth it when I feel him move around. The jabbing and poking and dancing around is getting more frequent and much stronger. Some nights when I'm reading in bed I think he's going to knock the book right out of my hands. Sometimes I can feel where he is too. I'm not feeling bony edges yet, but sometimes there are places that are much harder than others. I feel like I'm going to the bathroom constantly. And some days I'm super hungry while others I'm not.

Sometimes it's hard to be alone while pregnant. I get so excited about seeing my belly roll around with his movements. I tell the dogs to look but they don't seem to care at all! I even make them sniff my belly. They probably think I've lost my mind. But his movements keep me entertained and will stop me whenever I'm doing something because I want to feel every movement and absorb it all in. Such an incredible experience.

Jaime's Sprinkle

I threw Jaime a baby sprinkle (just a smaller version of a shower) on Sunday. It went well. I always get so nervous hosting parties, I don't know why. I guess I don't want to mess up and order adults around. Kids are much easier! We had some food, played some games--trivia, blindfolded baby diapering, baby outburst, & baby pictionary- and Jaime opened some gifts. Her mother-in-law brought a ho-ho cake and it was delicious! I could actually go for some more right now--I knew I should have said yes when Jaime asked if I wanted to bring any home! Afterwards we went out and looked at Jaime & Jeremy's new land. They have a lot of work ahead of them but it's going to be beautiful when it's all done.

I can't believe how close she is to her due date. I am so excited to meet and hold baby Landon. I predict she will go early so I guess we'll see here before too long!

So Gross!

I started a new routine of taking the dogs for a walk in the evening. After we get home I go back out for a walk by myself. Yesterday after I got home from my walk, they wanted to go outside to play. No sooner did I let them out and shut the door, did a little bird fly into the door. It didn't stand a chance. The dogs were right there and it took the little guy too long to get back up. Horrifying isn't the word as I watched Sammy literally chew on this bird like a toy. I grabbed the pooper scooper and tried to get it away from her. Finally, when she felt like she had enough, she dropped the mangled carcass on the ground. It was horrible! Sorry to all of you that are wishing you didn't read this, but I have to share the sickness that I have to deal with. And I thought Benny pooping in the middle of the road like a horse was bad.

Well, on a brighter note, I've subbed the last two days down at Hope, where I did my student teaching. It felt so good to be back with the kids and have them run up and hug me. I know the school, I know the routines. It was good. They've got a policy not to use the same sub too many times, to rotate it through so it's fair, even when requested by the teacher. However the principal came down and told me that she liked me down there and it's good for the kids in that setting to have some consistency. So hopefully I'll get to sub whenever I'm requested. I must say though, that my wheels were already spinning this morning while I was getting ready on things to do with them. I thought, wait, I'm a sub, I don't make plans or anything else. It's much different than student teaching. Now I'm getting paid and I'm doing less work. I come in and just do what the teacher has planned.

Back to Work

The school year officially started last Friday. I got my first subbing job yesterday, which surprised me. I think it will be my only job this week, but it's the first week and I didn't expect much. It's usually pretty slow at the start of the school year. I was pretty excited to get back into the classroom and be with kids again. But when I got there I found out the teacher was an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher and he's still doing prep and testing. So, I wasn't in the classroom and didn't really have much to do. On top of it, the teacher was a guy I graduated with. All my friends have jobs and I'm hearing about others from my class that have gotten jobs. It's a little sad, I want a job and my own classroom too! I know that not applying this year was what I needed to do, and I'll be much happier with my decision when little Nate comes, but right now it's a little depressing. But, I'm happy to be getting back into work, either way. I'm ready. I feel like I've had enough time off this summer and I have gotten many of things done around the house that I've wanted to get done. So it will be good to work for a few months before baby comes.

26 Weeks

Little Baby Nate is about 1 2/3 lb. and 14 inches long, and English hothouse cucumber. His ears are more sensitive and he continues to inhale and exhale amniotic fluid. He's continuing to put on fat, getting ready for the outside. His little testicles are beginning their decent into the scrotum as well. Hey, it's all part of the process.

I had a doctor appointment this morning. I had to drink the yummy orange drink for my glucose test. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would--they say it's gotten a lot better. The worst part was the needle. She hurts me everytime and it hurts the whole time, not just when the needle goes in. His heartbeat sounded good and strong. I'm still measuring ahead one week, at 27 weeks, but the doctor said it's in centimeters and it doesn't concern her up to 3 cm. I've gained 7 lbs since my last appointment 5 weeks ago. And while I hope not to gain that every month, the doctor wasn't concerned about my weight gain. She says I'm right on track and where I should be, and that I'm tall and it wouldn't surprise her if I hit the 30lb. mark before it's all done. What!?! Okay, we'll see. Although I don't think I'll be changing my eating habits any time soon. I like to eat and Nate tells me I should and I have to listen to him. So, if I hit 30, I hit 30. My blood pressure was high (142/62) when I went in, but they checked it again before I left and it was back down (122/62). That worried me a little but the doctor said it was fine and she would only be concerned if it stays elevated. She said everything looks good with my pregnancy.

I hope with his hearing increasing that he will get used to the dogs too. They started barking at a rabbit outside the window this morning and all I could think is, how is this going to work with a sleeping baby? I hope he'll be one of those babies that can sleep through anything otherwise I'm in for long days and nights. Or I'll just have to resort to beating my dogs--haha, just kidding.

Nathan has been busy kicking me and punching me. I used to just feel him on my lower left side, but now he feels all over the place. He's everywhere. Some days he's calm and I don't feel him a whole lot and then I get worried, but other days he's a wild man. I like when he's wild. Well, I do while he's still in my uterus. He can be a nice, calm, cuddly baby when he's born. I fell asleep last night to him doing cartwheels. I love it and I love him. I cannot believe how much I love him already.



25 weeks

My Birthday

Officially another year older. I never feel it though. Well, not all of the time. :) Where does all the time go? Hopefully this next year will pass as quickly as the last and then time can slow down a little bit. Lucas was here this weekend so we spent the day watching a movie, going for a walk, and playing in the water outside-oh boy it's getting hot out there! Jaime came up in the evening and we went out for dinner. We tried a new Japanese place (we usually go to Benihana's). It was good--probably not quite as good as Benihana, but I enjoyed it. I loved watching Lucas' face when the chef was preparing the food. It was so cute. We stopped at Babys R Us because Jaime wanted to get Baby Nate an outfit, which she ended up getting him two! Afterwards we came home for some birthday root beer floats--yep, a candle in the ice cream! And while I missed Michael not being home for my birthday (we were able to chat online earlier that day) it was still a good birthday.

24 Weeks

Baby is just over a pound and almost a foot long, he's an ear of corn! He's still pretty skinny but should start plumping up before too long. His body is continuing to develop to get ready for the outside world. His lungs are developing branches and cells that produce a substance that will help the air sacs inflate. His hearing is also becoming more sensitive and responsive to outside noises, so he's getting used to the loud noises like vacuuming and dogs barking (let's hope so he can sleep through them!).

I'm officially 6 months! It doesn't feel like it though. I don't feel very big--should I be bigger? Some people have their opinion on this. Maybe I'd be bigger if it was a girl and I was carrying higher. Maybe I'd be bigger if I were shorter. Who knows. I used to want to be huge (pre-pregnancy naivety), and still love the look of a round belly, but now understand that bigger means more uncomfortable. Baby is pushing my organs all over the place! He is more active then ever and I can now see him on the outside kicking sometimes. It's incredible.

I went to register today. First at Walmart, which I couldn't do because their gun was stolen and the closest Walmart that does registries now is in Scottsburg, about 45 minutes away. So I headed over to Target. I got this cute little bag full of goodies (coupons, samples, etc.). Then I spent much too long in each aisle deciding what we will need. Some things were easy and simple, others I hadn't even thought about, and some I spent a little more time trying to figure out which one I liked the best. It would have been much more fun to do this with Michael, but I guess that's the way it goes. I also picked up a few more baby things. I said I was not going to buy anything else for the baby until after the shower, but there were some clearance items that were hard to pass up. I got some packages of onesies for $2, a bath towel for $2, some mittens for $1, and an ear thermometer for $10. See, how could I not buy them. So, I left feeling very accomplished and good to have one more thing checked off the list of baby stuff to do.

In Country

Michael made it to Iraq Saturday night. He is still in the process of getting settled in so I don't have a lot of details. He is in a 2-man room, which is made out of connex. The chow hall is about a 10 minute walk, the gym (although not very big) is close, and his shop is not too far. He will have Internet in his room, which will make it a little easier for him to stay in contact with us. Their base is located next to another base (Air Force) and they can shuttle over there if they need to. The mission for them while they are there is maintenance (thank goodness!) and so he will be working in the shop. They are on 12-hour shifts and he will be working the night shift (7pm-7am) for now. Hopefully now he can get into a routine and time will go by quickly. I have sent out an email with his new address, but if I missed you and you want it, please let me know. The mail being sent to that base is extremely slow (one guy's wife sent something 3 weeks ago and it's still not there) and they might not get it that often (he's hearing they might only get it once a month), but I know he'd appreciate mail from home.

A Little Time for the Fair and Family

On Sunday I met up with Jaime and Jeremy and we all went to the Jackson County Fair. It's a pretty good size fair. We started with the animals. Lucas seemed afraid of some, but not of others, mostly the baby animals. There was a pig that weighed over 1,000 pounds and he was fascinated by it, as was I. I love looking at the animals, but it's a whole other experience to do it with a child. Just to watch his little face as he saw them...I cannot wait until I can take my kids to the fair and watch their faces light up with excitement. Jaime and Jeremy took Lucas on a few rides. He wasn't afraid at all-even way up high on the ferris wheel. Such a dramatic difference from last summer when we took him to King's Island. He's becoming such a big boy. I can see just how quickly they grow up. Before I know it he'll be driving over here to visit me (okay, I don't think a teenage boy is going to want to visit his old aunt, but I can be hopeful, can't I?). We ate some yummy fair food and the trip was complete when Jeremy finally found the stand that was giving away the yard stick-his goal for the day.

Monday I went down to Michael's parents to visit. I hooked up their Internet and showed them the ropes. I am really excited that they finally have Internet. Not only will they be able to stay in touch more often with Michael while he is gone, but I will also be able to send them pictures, etc. I just like having one more connection option to people that I don't live close to. His mom made a big lunch for my birthday and we had yummy strawberry mousse pie for dessert. Their neighbor has a little boy who is one and so she gave Denise a bunch of clothes to give to me. She also gave me a wipes warmer and some baby toys. It was like Christmas! I love getting baby stuff. Most of the clothing was 12 mo. but the season for them is right so we should have some clothes for him next fall.

Our combined birthday gift this year from them was a swing for the backyard. I have been wanting one forever and so I was super excited. I came home and started putting it together but didn't get it done before it got dark. I tried to finish it anyway but the bugs were eating me alive and I was afraid if I dropped another bolt and didn't find it I would be kicking myself. So I finished putting it together this morning. I absolutely love it! I sat out there for over an hour talking to Linda on the phone, I read a book this afternoon, and just sat out there after dinner watching the dogs play while my food settled. Let's just say I can see myself getting a lot of use out of it.

I knew I would be able to put it together. This is something else that normally would have been Michael's job. Like a lot of things around here, I know I can do, but it is nice having someone else to take care of them. But it did make me feel proud to do it, like mowing the grass and the other things I have been taking care of. It makes up for the things I can't do. I noticed a window that needed to be re-caulked. So I went to the store and bought some caulk and found Michael's caulk gun. I cut the tip, put it in the gun, and pulled the trigger...nothing happens. So I keep squeezing, harder and harder. Something must be wrong with this caulk! So I take it out of the gun to find it oozing out of the bottom end! I read the directions and it says cut the tip THEN break the seal. The seal!?! What seal and how do I break it!?! So, I still haven't caulked the window. Caulk has been added to my list. Along with ant killer. Ugh, I have ants, big time. I hate them and they gross me out. Not even in the kitchen either, where I would think they would want to be, but by the front door. I found a couple of baits and put them out but looks like I'm going to have to bring out the big guns. They're starting to infiltrate into the kitchen, front room...everywhere! I hate bugs!

The Painted Room

I painted our front room, finally. The paint is called "puppy paws" and it resembles chocolate milk. I like it much better than what the old home owner had (anything to get her out of here!) but not sure if I love it. It will work for now. I was thinking of a more coffee with milk kind of color, but heh, it's done. I finally have curtains on the windows too. I've been living, far too long I might add, with just sheers on the windows in here. Well, now I have beautiful chocolate brown curtains and some pretty blue valances that I made. I have a few pictures I want to hang in here and then I think the room will be officially done. Sooner or later, each room in this house will be complete. Probably by the time we're ready to move again!

It's helping to consume time, all these little projects on my to do list. Some days are longer than others, and it makes it hard to be here alone. But I'm finding that it's okay if I want to have a cry and sleep and do nothing kind of day sometimes. It's not everyday, or even very often, but I think it is okay. For the most part, I've been keeping very busy considering I'm not working or going to school. I took Lucas for a couple of days. We had a great time. We went to a couple of different parks, played outside (he's a good kicker and maybe future soccer player like ol' Aunt Beckie), went to Chuck E. Cheese, and just played. Sometimes it's good just to play.

My next project might be to really work on the scrapbooking stuff. I have 2 pages in the deployment book that are just screaming, finish me already! And I need to catch our book up before the baby comes. The big project though is Jaime's book for Lucas. We have 3 years to catch up on before Landon is born, and so I need to get my creative juices flowing and my, eh-hem, our butts in gear. I would absolutely love a cricut machine, but they're so expensive, I'll probably have to do without. One can dream, can't they?

22 Weeks

Baby is now 11 inches long, about the size of a spaghetti squash, whatever that is. He weighs almost a pound. A pound! He's starting to look more like a newborn, with more distinct eyelids, lips, and eyebrows. There are even little tooth buds developing under his gums. Everything else just keeps on developing.

I'm feeling pretty good. My energy is high and I think my only complaint right now is my chronic back pain. I'm sleeping with 5 pillows, positioned everywhere. My hips hurt too, usually during the night. I'm not sure if it's because I'm lying on my side or they're expanding. Let's hope it's the side thing. Glad to be on the downhill slope. Not that I'm not enjoying this part of the pregnancy. Everyone says this is the only good part, and so far I'll agree. I feel great and I'm barely big enough to even think about being miserable. I'm just anxious to meet him and hold him. I had a doctor's appointment last week. Everything is still good, right on track, and still measuring in a week ahead. The doctor is set on the original due date though and he said that the ultrasound at 8 weeks was more accurate for determining the due date than anything now. And it doesn't mean I'm going to have a big fat baby, although I could. His features aren't the only things becoming more distinct, his movements are too. There is still the light brushing every so often, but within the last week or so he has started "popping" in my belly just like popcorn. It was absolutely amazing the first time I felt it, still is really. He's more active after eating and at night, especially when I lie down for the night. Then of course I'm not going to sleep because I want to soak in every moment I feel him moving. I love knowing there's this little baby in there, and in 18 weeks I get to meet him. A couple of nights ago I could actually see a little kick (or punch) through my belly. Just absolutely amazing.

Uncle Map's Visit

My brother Matt (or Map as Lucas says) came down this week for a little visit. It was really nice to see him again-I haven't seen him since my wedding a little over two years ago. (on a side note, what!?!, I've been married for 2 years!) He drove down Sunday and left this morning. We had a nice time. Went to the movies, played some mini-golf, did a little shopping, and spent probably too much time on guitar hero and wii. It was wonderful just to hang out again as this is now a luxury with family that lives so far away. My wedding brought a lot of family back together again at the same time and I often wonder when will be the next time that we are all together again.

Sammy is doing much better. Her stitches were taken out on Tuesday and it is healing up nicely. Now next on the agenda is getting Benny fixed. I'm going to try and schedule it this month and then hopefully after that we will be all done with any dog problems. But they're doing good. I've gotten my first moles of the year. Although instead of bringing them to the back door like a present, I've been finding them in the yard. Not complaining, much better than cleaning up rabbit or skunk.

I went with Jaime to her doctor's appointment and 4D ultrasound today. He was a little stubborn, keeping his arm wrapped up by his face, but it was nice to see the little guy. He's going to look just like Lucas! I am so excited for his birth and to hold little Landon Toppe.

Michael and I had our first webcam "date" tonight. He stayed up late in order to do it, since they are seven hours ahead of us. But it was so nice to see his face and type back and forth. I could almost hear his voice and his laugh. He seems to be doing well, just sitting through a ton of briefings and trying to bear the heat and sandstorms.

No More Army Life For Me

This past weekend was my last drill weekend. I think it will be weird not to put the uniform on anymore and to not say I'm a soldier or I'm in the guard, etc. I guess this chapter, like all others, must come to an end too. I feel that I've done my duties and I have gotten what I wanted to out of the experience. Seven years and many memories later, I am done.

In Kuwait

Michael made it to Kuwait safely. He actually left Tuesday afternoon, but I didn't hear from him until today. I've had my phone by me everyday, waiting anxiously for his phone call, just to get an email from him! Apparently there was some problems with the switchboard at Camp Atterbury so he couldn't make a phone call home. I don't know a whole lot, the email was short and just to let me know he got there okay, but he's fine. Hopefully we will know more soon. In the meantime, some pictures of him at the airport in Maine on his way over.

*Kuwait is the stop that all the troops make before going into country. They will do more training here, probably to get get conditioned to the climate, for any where from 2-4 weeks.

20 Weeks

I'm halfway there!

Nutter weighs about 10 1/2 ounces and is about 6 1/2 inches long...or at least he should be at this point (unless he's bigger!). He's the size of a banana! He's swallowing more and producing meconium (which we'll be seeing in some of his first diapers). He's also started sensory development in his brain, designating certain areas for sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing. This means that he should be able to hear now.

I just want to say it's nice to be able to say "he" and "him". Not much has changed in the last couple of weeks. I'm still feeling fine, having energy, etc. I wish I could feel him more. The movements are still faint and quick. Hopefully it won't be long until I feel some strong kicks...then I'll be wishing I didn't! And no odd cravings either, still mostly just fruit that I want. I guess I'm getting bigger (I should have started measuring my waist) as people tell me I am, but I feel like it's slight. Although I'm definitely showing and people can tell I am pregnant. Today was the first time the cashier asked if I needed help out with my groceries. I declined, but might have to take advantage of that pregnancy pampering and spoiling sometime!

The 4th of July

This is also the 1st holiday without Michael. Kind of ironic too...the holiday that celebrates freedom and the reason he is gone, to preserve that freedom. While I know that the things I do will not be the same without him here, I also know that I cannot just sit at home and play staring games with the dogs. Columbus does the fireworks show on the 3rd, so Friday night my friend Wanda came over with a friend that she works with to cookout before watching the fireworks. Afterwards we came back here for some strawberry shortcake and some more fireworks. Of course, it drove the dogs nuts, but it was fine. I think they're almost, almost, getting used to it with all the fireworks going off all the time. Yesterday I went to Michael's aunt's house for a cookout. There was so much food! It was nice to visit with family again. His cousin is pregnant too (actually due a few days before Jaime) and she's naming him Nathaniel. When I told Michael on the phone he said, but we had that name picked for years! He's funny. I miss him terribly again already and the holidays are always going to be harder without him here, but we just keep reminding each other that it's the only one-he'll be home for the next 4th of July.

I'm dog-sitting Zeus this weekend too. I should have known it was going to rain. It always seems to rain when he comes over. The dogs have been spending most of the time in the house napping. Zeus on the tile floor, Benny in the chair, and Sammy up on the bed. They're funny how they all have their places. Benny still seems to tiptoe around Zeus and Sammy and Zeus still seem to bully him a little. It kinda makes me sad. He's just so sensitive and loving, but also very playful and Sammy only tolerates so much. He doesn't try to play with Zeus so Zeus basically ignores him. Unless they're eating and then Zeus will eat his food and then move to Benny's bowl and finish his. Poor Benny just moves to the side and watches. But they all get along and there's no serious fighting.

Michael's Last Pass

I went up to Wisconsin last Thursday to see Michael for his last pass. It was such a long drive but so very worth it. We had a wonderful time. It really didn't matter what we did because it was just nice being together to do it. After showing him the ultrasound he was in super baby mode so we spend a lot of time shopping and looking at baby stuff. We bought some outfits and finally found a diaper bag we both like. He's so excited to become a daddy, it just warms my heart. We saw a couple of shows, walked along the Mississippi River (we stayed in LaCrosse) and went to a bluff overlook. Sometimes we just relaxed in the room. It was perfect.

I had to drop him off on Monday evening. It was hard, still is. Now it's just getting through the next five months until he comes home on leave. It's always hard at the start, the good-byes and adjusting to it all over again. I know it will get easier as time goes on but right now it sucks. Today will be a day at home with the dogs.

A Surprise Look at Baby

Ah, I've been ever so sneaky, with my wonderful plan! I was originally supposed to have my ultrasound at 21 weeks, which meant that the only way Michael would find out the sex would be over the phone. I was not happy with this. So I asked the nurse if we could do it at 18 weeks, she said yes, and so that's exactly what I did. I knew I would be going up to see Michael on his pass just a few days after, so it would be perfect. Jaime went with me to the ultrasound and videotaped. When it came time to finding out the sex, I had the technician put the photo in an envelope (not only did she do that, she put it in two and taped it shut!). After I picked up Michael from Ft. McCoy on Thursday and we got back to the hotel room, I told him I made a video that I wanted him to watch. He sat down with not a whole lot of reaction when it started and it was obvious that it was an ultrasound. I asked if he knew what was going on and he said looks like you went to an ultrasound, as if this is something that occurs often at the doctor. Then a look came over his face and he got really excited and said, this is to find out the sex! I grabbed the envelope and told him that no one knew what it was, that Jaime and I both turned our heads so we wouldn't find out. He was so excited he started ripping the envelope open. I asked him if he wanted to wait until we got to that part in the video, but neither of us could wait that long and opened it within a few seconds. There it was, B-O-Y. It was an incredibly emotional experience. He told me later he was so glad that we got to find out together. And although there was some lying to make my little plan happen, it was all worth it in the end!



The ultrasound itself was amazing. She pulled up the picture and found him right away. He was in a little ball so she had to do a little prodding to unfold him. Then she focused in and pulled up a 3D/4D picture of him! I had no clue they were going to do that as Jaime's doctor does not do that type of ultrasound normally. It was amazing to see him. One of the pictures even looks like he's smiling! I always thought they were a little creepy, but you can see the little hands face so much better. I'm so happy they did it. Nutter is so much more like a baby than he was at 8 weeks, the progress is just incredible. It makes the whole experience so much more real, seeing him and knowing he's a boy.

It All Happened So Fast

Things have been looking up the last few days. I thought to myself, things are really turning around. So I was in pretty good spirits this morning when I woke up. I decided to take the dogs for a quick walk this morning since I would be taking them to the kennel this evening. We didn't even get a half a block away before we had one of the scariest experiences on our walks. Now, our walks are usually an adventure, but this one doesn't even fit in that category. All I know is that we were walking along when these two big solid dogs come busting out of their house and attacked Benny and Sammy. It all happened so quickly that a lot of it is a blur. Somehow we got the dogs separated. Benny was okay and at first I only saw a small cut on Sammy's leg. But another neighbor who had come out to help found a gash in her shoulder. I took Benny back to the house and took Sammy to the vet. They had to put her under in order to suture her back up. And since I'm leaving in the morning they are going to keep her there until I get back so they can keep an eye on her and give her the antibiotics each day. Apparently the owners of the dogs are out of town and it's his sister that is dog-sitting. She must not have latched the door when she came outside. It was an honest mistake and she is very upset about all of this. I've talked with the owners and they are taking care of the vet bill. I have since learned that this is not the first attack, and these dogs have attacked not only other dogs but some people as well. It's just a bad situation and I hate that it happened. I wish I took them on a different route or at a different time and this wouldn't have happened. It makes me so upset that my poor little Sammers is not home where she needs to be, getting love from her momma. Both of them, actually. I'm sure this was traumatic for Benny too, as skiddish as he is. I'm eager to see Michael but I'm sad to leave them at such a bad time.

Becoming a Man

I just got back from taking the dogs for a little walk. While it wasn't a complete disaster, it never fails to be an adventure. Sammy's collar snapped off and she went flying. She stayed near me but found a cat sitting in a driveway. She started barking and ran up to the cat, got within a foot of it, but then just stood there barking. I was so afraid she was going to tear the cat apart. I don't think she knew what to do. She hates them but she is always on the other side of the fence. But I was able to get her before an altercation occurred. The big news of the walk is that Benjamin lifted his leg to pee not once, or twice, but three times! This is the first time that I've seen him lift his leg to pee and also the first time that he's marked territory on a walk. I knew watching Sammy lift her leg and mark her territory would show him how it's done.

I've noticed him acting a bit tougher too when they play around; he doesn't give in quite so easily anymore. I actually have to break them up a little more often than I used to. While it was a decision that was already made, Benny is losing his "manhood" next month. And just when he starts to become a man.

18 Weeks

Baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to hard bone. The umbilical cord is also getting thicker and stronger. Baby is the size of a bell pepper this week, measuring in at approximately 5 1/2 inches long with a weight of about 7 ounces (that's almost half a pound!). Baby is busy flexing arms and legs.

The changes in Nutter don't seem to be as drastic as they were in the beginning. Now that most everything is developed, it just seems like this is the fine-tuning period--and growing! I'm in maternity clothes now, some still a little big to wear. And while I'm still fitting in my regular clothes (minus the waist) it's just more comfortable to wear those elastic bands. Plus I feel much more pregnant when I wear maternity clothes. My bump is also big enough now that I feel like it's baby and not just fatness. I asked the nurse my starting weight and she told me, but it didn't sound right. So when she walked away I looked at the chart and the only weight on there was from last month. So I don't know exactly how much weight I've gained, but since last month I gained 3 pounds-eek! I started feeling little Nutter moving around last week. At first I wasn't sure. I felt these "feelings" that I've never felt before (like the typical gas I often experience). As soon as I would feel them I would freeze, hoping for another feel. But the feelings come and go quickly and are faint. But since then I've been feeling those feelings a lot. It's a hard feeling to describe...most people say like little flutters...but it's weird, like a light movement that just grazes my insides. I had a doctor's appointment last week. Everything was fine, I guess. It felt very rushed but the doctor said everything looked good. Oh, and the pain in my butt isn't necessarily sciatic nerve pain, but is probably nerve pain, although I haven't felt it much lately. I've been feeling pretty good too. I haven't gotten sick in a few weeks, which is the longest time since this all started. I wouldn't say I'm back to myself because I don't think I will be until I'm not pregnant, I have those aches and pains and discomforts, but I feel really good.

A Good Start to the End

Of the month, that is. Looking back at my last post I was pretty excited to start turning things around, and so far so good. I finally got my hair done on Friday. This is something that is about a year overdue. I was going to let the color grow out but I just can't take it anymore. I like being blond. I was actually going to do it this spring-the same week I found out I was pregnant, and so I put it off until I started feeling better. It's subtle, but I like it and it work out well when I'm a busy mom and don't have time to "keep up" with it. It was also the first time I've ever gone to a man to do my hair, but I really like him-he owns the salon-and will probably keep going to him. Yesterday I went to the Louisville Zoo with Jaime, Jeremy, Lucas, and Jeremy's step-dad and his sisters and their kids. It rained most of the morning but even still it was a good time. Unfortunately the sun came out which made things extremely hot and sticky. It was so fun to watch the kids and see their reactions to the animals. I think they had the most fun though in the water park. By the end of the day the babies weren't the only ones exhausted. It was Lucas' birthday so we went back to the house for a cookout and cake. Lucas got a powerwheel from Jaime and Jeremy. He absolutely loved it! It was really cute to see him and his cousin cruising around the backyard on them. I got home late...the dogs crashed as soon as we got in the car and they're still sleeping now. I'm waiting for Jaime to come over now. She took the day off work to come up and scrapbook and we're going to get our nails done too.

Each day keeps getting better as the end of the month nears. The finale will finally be getting to see Michael this week. Yes, this week. Not a few more weeks or next week, but this week, and just a few more days at that. So I'll be busy packing and making sure the car is ready for the long road trip up to Wisconsin. A long trip, but it's going to be very worth it.

What a Week!

What a month, really. I've been on AT, working in the headquarters office. There's 4 people out on leave right and so it was just me, the readiness NCO, the first sergeant, and commander. Well, the readiness NCO had a death in the family so he was out almost all last week. So the phones were forwarded to my phone and I was basically keeping the building afloat. I did the best I could, and I couldn't do everything without access to certain things in the computer without a security clearance. It kept me busy but not my job and not what I thought I would be doing on AT. Although it was a lot, I didn't stress over it. I just thought I'd do the best I can. Besides, I had enough stress in other areas. My car wouldn't start last week, had a mess with the dealer to deal with, trouble with the other car, Benny has escaped the last two days (luckily he doesn't really know how to run away-he stays in the front yard the whole time), the stupid neighbors are still putting off fireworks and I keep finding pieces in my yard-usually Benny is chewing on one of them, and the much anticipated doctor's visit was not what I expected (waited an hour and didn't even really hear the heartbeat but a millisecond). On top of it really hitting me hard how much I miss Michael and how hard this is going to be without him for the next year, it just hasn't been a good month.

But I have a plan. From now on, I'm going to do things and get through things and know that I can. Yep, that's my plan. Last Saturday I mowed. Big deal, right? Well, Jeremy had mowed the last couple of times since Michael went up to McCoy; Michael wasn't too keen on the idea of me mowing. But I looked online and asked the doctor and it's fine. So instead of relying on someone to take care of my yard, I can-and will. It's just a good feeling to not be so dependent on others. Feeling dependent on Michael is one thing, but I just don't like the feeling with others. I would like to use the people around me to keep me company, not put them to work. I also asked the doctor about lifting things. He said my limit should be around 25lbs if I'm not lifting all the time, but that I won't hurt baby, I'll just be hurting myself. So my plan is really more a state of mind. Well, that and my list that continues to increase of stuff to do around here. I have a feeling I'll be plenty good and busy this summer.

Now that the bad things have gotten out of the way already this month, I'm ready to move onto good things...and I think it's already looking bright. I got my first two Netflix movies in the mail today (my grandma sent me a coupon for a free month and I thought I'd try it out). I was so excited-now that's good mail! I went to a CPR class last night, which normally wouldn't be that exciting, but I got to go out to dinner with Jill and see Brenda, who I haven't seen in months! So it was good to hang out with them again. And this coming week already has wonderful things planned. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow, Jaime's coming up on Monday and we're getting our nails done, I'm going down to the Louisville Zoo on Sunday for Lucas' birthday, out lunch with friends on Wednesday, and then the best part of next week--Thursday I leave for Wisconsin to see Michael!

Hide and Seek

The Toppes came up for family night tonight because they had to visit Jeremy's grandpa on Monday. After dinner Jaime, Lucas, and I played hide and seek. It was probably one of the best times I've ever played. He was actually quiet when hiding. This is unusual because normally when he's hiding and you call out, "where's Lucas?" he'll respond with, "over here" or "under the blanket". It is the funniest thing.

I've been taking Michael's car up to Atterbury everyday so that it's driven, but yesterday I took my car because I had to bring all my duffel bags to turn in. It started fine in the morning, but when I went to start it later, it wouldn't start up. I had to crank on and give it gas (I know now, it's fuel injected, blah blah) in order for it to start. It happened several times throughout the day. At the end of the day it started up just fine but then died when I put it in reverse. I was so upset. I'm frustrated with it on several levels. One, because it's not an old beater. It should be reliable and it seems like every year there's something going wrong with it. Two, because Michael's not here. As soon as it happened I wanted to call him up but I can't do that anymore. Jeremy looked up something online and found that a part had been recalled that might fix the problem. So I'm calling tomorrow to make an appointment. It's just bad timing with the trip up to see Michael right around the corner.

Well, I'm going to close for the night. It's raining and the dogs are sleeping and that looks like a wonderful idea. Of course after a little snack that is.